trepidation
20 Aug 2011 Leave a Comment
How many transitions can you squeeze into a decade…or half a decade? I think our family may be going for a record.
I don’t know if it’s so much that we’re adventure seekers as that we live our life by our ministry, and we are both heavily weighted with the apostolic gifting, which is “Start new! Start new!” It’s an exciting way to do life, but draining. And when you see a million projects all at once that would be awesome ways to get churches started, all over the world, it makes some steps in life feel like they’re not going fast enough, and others as if you don’t have enough time to enjoy them. We are truly hopping across the ocean of life on stepping stones, and sometimes I’d like to step on a continent. Of course, that metaphor takes on meaning when you consider that we’re moving to an island on the edge of the Pacific Ocean this coming January…five months away.
So, take motherhood, for instance. I’m loving the season of Josiah’s early years, and yet I find myself having to stop to enjoy our time together, because I have so many projects going on in my head. Of course, once we really are settled and not in transition, I think I’ll be able to focus more on being a mom. The full first two years of Josiah’s life I’ve lived with the notion that “this home isn’t where we’re staying,” which is hard when you want to stop moving stuff and actually be able to set up learning spaces and play spaces to help your little one learn, not to mention keep your own life in order. And of course, we’d like to add another to our brood as soon as God will allow, and so if that happens any time soon that will be another transition to add on top of moving to the scariest place I’ve ever moved to.
We’ve heard from others that Josiah is an amazing baby (we agree). Of course, his being our only one we have no one to compare him to. But he travels well, can sleep almost anywhere, eats many (although not all) things, hardly fusses…I’m so thankful for him. He’s got a heavy dose of his daddy’s good nature, which I credit to his being so easily adaptable. I’m looking forward to how he’ll take on island life. I imagine he’ll not skip a beat, although I anticipate a long season of adjustment for myself
I mean, there’s no fast food, folks.
None.
(They’re building a Jollibee, though, in the town next to us, so there is some free airconditioning relief on the way!)
Which leads me to consider how comfortable life is in the States. Even families who don’t have a whole lot still are living in relatively clean and comfortable environments compared to how so many people live here. We’ve had a few battles with cockroaches lately. And really, they’re battles in an all-out war. I grew up in Mississippi, so I thought, “Oh, I can handle these roaches.” But that was before they FLEW at me! So now I’m scared to death of them! And we’ve heard that they bite, which is just horrifying. The other night I heard Edwin in the bathroom making a lot of noise and he came back shivering the “I’m grossed out dance” and said a roach had lept off the wall, hit his body and crawled down his underwear! Then the next day, there was one that I got out of our bathroom only to have it chase Edwin into the bedroom. We lost track of it until Edwin felt it in his underwear! Ha! Who has a roach invade his underwear two nights in a row! (And these were different roaches!) Then the other night I was going to give Josiah a bath and a massive roach (they’re all massive) came scurrying from under the mat…I knew this was war b/c there was no way I was leaving that thing to potentially fly into my face while I was in there with Josiah, so I took the Raid and tried killing that thing by spraying. It was like a marathon roach! He ran around the bathroom for laps before he finally succumbed to the poison! I was worn out!
So all of that is livable, but I found myself thinking of the people who don’t have proper roofs and walls and ceilings, and how they must deal with these flying roaches all the time. And I felt so blessed to be in our house that has walls and ceilings. And that’s something I never thought about in the States. It’s taken for granted that when you move into a house it’s going to have walls and ceilings. We take so much for granted.
And we can think of faces to the statistic that many people around the world live on less than $2 a day. We do ministry in a community where that is a daily reality. How do you deal with that? How do you adjust to that? And I’m struggling with my desire to go back home this Christmas because, besides, of course, being with family, I look forward to being in a place where everyone is comfortable, so that I don’t have to deal with, emotionally, the reality that so many people live daily lives of discomfort. I wish that weren’t the case but it’s the current psychological struggle I’m dealing with as we do life on this side of the world. And I’m honestly jealous of those who don’t have to face these questions…who live life not realizing what we see every day. Because ignorance is bliss. And I’ll never be ignorant again.
I just finished reading David Platt’s Radical. It’s a great book for churches to read together and assess whether or not they are doing their part to help their brothers and sisters around the world. If you haven’t yet, read it. But be aware that if you read it with an open heart, you’ll have to do something as a result of your reading.
I’m glad we live life the way we do. I don’t truly want to be ignorant. I want to find the balance of simplicity that I believe Scripture calls us to. But my desire to do that and my human will are fighting against each other. I’m not afraid to admit it. I’m going to the mission field kicking and screaming, but submitting at the same time.
I’m read the Samuels, this time with the Message translation. And at this season in my life, I’m thinking about how David must have had such a hard time, being driven from the life with the king that he knew, the life he enjoyed with his soulmate friend, Jonathan. Yet he stayed in the desert for a season of his life, and it was that season that developed him and prepared him to be king. I submit to God that I will let him do with me what he wants in this season. He’s God. I’m not. So there you have it.
