Just
simply
overwhelmed.
That seems to be the theme of my life these days. I begin to wonder, “Am I just really easily overwhelmable?” In my efforts to not turn everything into a negative directed towards myself, which contributes to depression and is just unpleasant overall, I’m trying to think of other options for why “overwhelmed” seems to be the most common feeling in my life lately. Perhaps I’ve been overwhelmed a lot because of all the changes that have been happening in life over the past 6 months…like, say: pregnancy (which is rife with changes from day one…and then brings the most wonderful and frightening life change of all…a child!), saying good-bye to friends from the last three years, meeting new friends who we’ll be saying good-bye to in a month, family drama that is resulting in a divorce, bracing ourselves for the most challenging life adjustment thus far—moving to the Philippines (which will have a whole new set of changes and challenges all its own).
I’m trying not to focus on the challenges of the move to the Philippines. Let’s just focus on getting your son into the world, I tell myself. And I am so looking forward to the joy of Josiah. In many ways I see his expected entrance as a happy and welcome break to the monotony of saying good-bye. Finally, my baby, the one I have prayed so long for. The one I have longed for since I could hold a baby doll. He’ll be here in ten weeks (hopefully not before…I’m not ready).
We’re doing this project at CIT called “History Giving.” It’s basically telling your life story. I thought it would be so fun, but as I prepare, I am in a constant state of melancholy. Why? Because I am reminded that my life has been full of good-byes. I have never lived in any one community longer than 5 years, and as an adult that number is even lower: 3 years. Even the three-year experience wasn’t really in one community, because it was during that span that I was married, which comes with a whole new set of refreshing, culture shocking, difficult, rewarding challenges.
Whenever I write something like this I feel as if I have to counter it with positive thinking, like, “With every good-bye there has been a whole new set of adventurous and lovely hellos!” While that’s true, it’s also an almost sickening pill to swallow in my emotional state right now. I picture the words coming out of the mouth of a 1950’s housewife with blond perfect hair and high heels and a poofy skirt, holding a tray of freshly baked cookies and smiling with sparkling clean teeth. I want to slap her.
Breathe. Relax your shoulders. Accept: you will not always feel positive about the changes you’re facing. Accept: you don’t have to find the “Miss Happy” voice every time you’re processing difficult things. Accept: today is today and tomorrow is tomorrow; today does not have to interpret tomorrow, nor tomorrow, today. This is ok. Accept it.
Spiritually, as I process and encounter these emotions, some negative, some positive, some neutral, I am encouraged by the presence of Jesus. When I start to tear up that I really don’t know where “home” is, He reminds me that it’s ok, because I have a Home waiting for me, and it will be the same for eternity. There is a joy I have in the somber thought that while I don’t know an earthly home, neither did my dear Jesus. I’m thankful for the longing that calls me out of staying sedentary and draws me into adventurous things…the very calling that has repeatedly led me to many good-byes, and thus on to people and places I am so thankful to have known.
As I look through my “history,” I am required to see where God has been working. The exercise gives me confidence and faith that forever He’ll me wooing me to something more. And what I have to come to terms with, and deal with each time I find myself in a day like today, is that it is worth it to be called away from the semblances of “home” I create for myself; that living in pursuit of Jesus’ footsteps is well worth the seasons of being overwhelmed. Perhaps I am “overwhelmable,” but that is simply because there is something in that quality that Jesus wants me to see in my relationship with Himself: in being overwhelmable, I am thankfully overwhelmed…by Him.
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July 2, 2009 at 1:13 am
christiekiley
Amy, as I was reading, nodding along with your every word because, as we’ve discussed, our stories are similar in this thread, I couldn’t help but think what it means to be obedient to our holy God. Obedient to our God who we have to believe loves us and wants His best for us. It seems that every geographical move you have made has been out of obedience to Him. What if you hadn’t obeyed? What if you hadn’t moved? Not that we should look back and always think “what if”, but can you imagine how vastly different life would be had you not obediently followed the Call? If our Father truly calls us forward because, in part, He knows that it is the best us and the people we will cross paths with…can you imagine having not followed Him in that? I guess what I’m saying is, while you and I know how hard it is to say good-bye and hello and good-bye and hello and good-bye again, part of me wonders if we would really be as happy as we think we would be if we just stayed in one place, knowing that God is calling us elsewhere. Would we really be as happy as we think we would be, if God knows us best and knows how He will help us thrive in each new situation? I don’t know, God is so beyond comprehension, but the fact that He can use our obedience to keep our eyes straining toward Him is, I think, a miracle.
So I encourage you, dear sister, to remain in Him and strain forward. Brian and I will be praying for you and Edwin in this time of limbo. Remember, if not in this lifetime, then we will be reunited in the next! We love you!